Fanfictions and Console Snogging
by korasami
Summary: a bit of a crack!fic, Polly and Ben are discussing the odd relationship of the Doctor and Jamie. Slash. Read at your own risk!


**UPDATE: 11.30.13 I wrote this story a long time ago, probably 5th or 6th grade, and upon rereading this, I decided to fix a lot of the language/grammar, namely Jamie's dialogue. Consider it a beta-read, even though it is midnight. The content is, for the most part, the same.

Okay, um, well, yeah. I suppose it's a bit crack-y. Although it is rated T, there are some sexual, um, activities, but no actual sex scenes or anything, but if that makes you uncomfortable than don't read. You've been warned now.

Disclaimer: I don't own Doctor Who, or it's characters.

_"Doctor, where're Ben and Polly?" a certain Scotsman wondered aloud. "They've been missin' for a good day now, I think."_

_"I believe they're in the Zero Room. Why?"_

_Jamie blushed. "It's just that...well..."_

_The Doctor looked at Jamie suspiciously. "What?"_

_Jamie blushed harder. "Ben...uh...a few days ago, Ben and I were talkin' about, um, that planet we visited..."_

_A slight tinge crept to the Doctor's face as well. "Jhar-Jhar?" he asked, hoping he was wrong._

_"Aye, the very one."_

_The Doctor winced. "And, and what did he say?"_

_"See, he asked me what I thought about the, ehm, wenches there. And I said the truth, I said, 'Mm,' and then he said, 'too bad Polly wasn't wearing one of them dresses,' and I was shocked, you know? I said, ''tis improper to think that way about a wench you are not married to,' and he jus' laughed, an' said," Jamie closed his eyes, preparing himself for the inevitable, "'What about a guy,'. Then, I said, 'what do you mean,', and he said..." Jamie McCrimmon gulped sagely, "and he said...'Jamie, lad, you...'" Jamie turned an even brighter red, and the Doctor instantly knew what he was implying._

_"You think he thought you were gay?" the Doctor guessed, speaking slowly._

_"I'm gay enough, Doctor," Jamie said puzzled, "no, he was trying to convince me that I liked men," (the Doctor rolled his eyes) "and that..." the Doctor was afriad Jamie would explode if he got any redder, "that...I had...erm...feelings for, um, you. Said I was all...'clingy-feely' with you. A real 'human clingwrap', whatever the hell that is."_

_"Oh my giddy aunt, that is odd," though not out of reason, the Doctor contemplated. Jamie did grab onto him a lot, and, he supposed, he did rather enjoy it. "You...don't feel that way, do you?"_

_Oh dear. The guilty look on Jamie's face gave everything away._

_"Oh, Jamie..." the Doctor smiled lightly, "it's nothing to be ashamed of. If it matters, I like you, that way."_

_A sly smile appeared on Jamie's tomato-like face. "Oh, aye?"_

_The Doctor gulped. "Um..."_

_"'Tis nothing to be ashamed of," Jamie repeated, his face regaining it's natural color. His voice was rough and his eyes were darkening, making the Doctor shiver with intense pleasure. "...Doctor..." the young human moaned, backing the Doctor into the hexagonal console. The lights seemed to be dimming—probably the TARDIS playing with them. "The nameless Doctor..." Jamie taunted. "Who are you, love? You say you're the Doctor—Doctor who? That's what you called yourself when I first met you. But it is not your name. No, it is more than a secret. You're ashamed. You're a coward."_

_That did it. A purr was emitted from the Doctor's throat, aroused by his formerly innocent friend's tantalizing words. He lunged forward, not caring about the consiquences, not caring about being caught by the other occupants of the only-so-large TARDIS. It was like a slow-mo, chick-flick, Rose Tyler, cliché reunion, with a shirtless Jonas Brother thrown in, not to mention a Disney Princess movie soundtrack playing in the background. (Hm. The CD was a bit scratchy.)_

_And when their lips met, it was like time had stopped, (in fact, it had, because they were drifting in the time vortex) like a beach breezed night with a backdrop of celebratory fireworks, like ice cold lemonade on a sweltering summer day. And the Doctor loved it. It was pure bliss._

_Jamie, on the other hand, was startled, completely shell-shocked. The Doctor cracked open an eye to see that Jamie's own were open. He pulled back cautiously, not wanting to set off the man in his arms._

_"I—I'm so sorry, Jamie, I—" the Doctor looked sheepishly at the boy, who, surprisingly, had a needy look upon his face._

_"Don't stop, you old fool!" Jamie growled, gripping the alien's face steadily in between his heavily calloused hands and pulled in crashing back onto his mouth. He responded this time—moaning, biting the Doctor's lip, and slowly parting it with his tongue, which the Doctor allowed all too willingly._

_Jamie pressed his lover into the TARDIS console. "Mm, Doc," he moaned, "is that your recorder, or are you just happy to see me?"_

_The Doctor resurfaced long enough to respond. "Jamie, I'm an alien. I don't become, ah, aroused, the same way as humans do."_

_Jamie's face, albiet covored by the Doctor's, fell._

_"Humans become aroused the same way as my species does!"_

_Jamie gave a deep purr from his throat, not bothering to respond as he pressed the Doctor so he was lying on his back, probably pressing many important buttons. "Doc...tor..." he moaned, his Scottish accent making the Doctor tremble with pleasure. "...Pl...ea...se..."_

_The Doctor, not unaware of what Jamie was asking for, grinned into his mouth. Keeping one hand directly above himself—splayed upon the sexy highlander's chest—he inched the other one down...lower, lower, until he reached the hem of his pale blue turtleneck. Jamie arched towards him, moving his lips away from the Doctor's and onto the alien's neck, where a bruise would presumably be later. The Doctor took this encouragement (and it sure as hell was) and quickly unbuckled the human's belt, removing his sporran in the process._

Meanwhile, in the Zero Room...

...Ben and Polly were not doing anything similar to the activities that the Doctor and Jamie had been engaged in. In fact, they were playing a rather innocent game—or games, rather. See, they had discovered the greatest hype of the early 21st century—computers.

"Aw, dutchess!" Ben whined, tapping his finger on the touchpad of the Ultrabook the TARDIS had somehow acquired for him, "I can't believe you posted another chapter of that!"

He reblogged the text post anyway.

Polly rolled her eyes playfully. She saved her fanfic, closed the lid on her MacBook, then set off to examine her new 'iPhone'. "Oh, Ben, you have to admit, all that the sexual tension is getting to me. If you would just—"

"No!" Ben interrupted. "I can't! It's wrong! And so gay!"

Polly sighed. "No it's not, I like it," She tossed her iPhone to the side, giving up on the entry password. "Besides, there's nothing wrong with fanfiction. If I want to read…Draco/Harry fics, I can!"

Ben scrunched his nose. "It's not that I'm annoyed about, it's..." he brought his voice to a business-meaning whisper, and nodded towards her closed laptop. "It's just that, I don't think the Doctor or Jamie would appreciate you writing those smutty stories about them having hot gay monkey sex on the console! Seriously—it's not like Jamie's 'tapping a cold finger across the Doctor's bare chest', or the Doc's ever "cried in the midst of an unwarranted passion, 'Oh my giddy aunt, Jamie, I want you to come so hard that you forget the name of your Laird'"—"

"Oh, good god Ben, you are so OOC!"

"Whatever! It's just...creepy."

Polly shrugged and closed her computer's browser. "Well, speaking of the Doctor and Jamie, we'd better go show up at our funeral. We've probably been in here forever! I wouldn't be surprised if we've been replaced!"

"I wouldn't be surprised if the Doc's renewed himself again!" (Polly made a mental note to write a fic where the Doctor and Jamie had so much sex that the Doctor had to go through a renewal process.)

Ben nodded and clicked the little 'x' in the right-hand corner, then the start menu, and then 'shut down'. "Alright, Pol', lead the way!" he followed Polly out of the wonderful room of zero properties, only to be met by a nerve-wracking cry. It sounded like it was coming from the console room.

Of course, our friends James McCrimmon and the Doctor were indeed having hot sex on the console. Sort of. Not really.

"Jamie!" the Doctor roared. "Oh, crumbs! I need you!"

"Oh, Doc, I'm coming!"

Their hurried voices made Polly and Ben glance at each other, nervously. What was going on?

"Shall we interrupt them?" Polly asked, whispering only so Ben could hear.

"I think that would be funny!" Ben said quietly, "although it may be a bit disturbing. I mean, we have no idea what they could be up to. They could be shagging on the console, or...or...Jamie could be on his knees—"

"Oh!" Polly sqeaked. "Eew! That's so gross! Get your mind out of the gutter!"

"You're the one writing all that!" Ben said, giving Polly a pointed look.

Bracing themselves for the impact, they hurried in. The sight that met their eyes was not a pretty one, but it certainly wasn't what they'd expected.

"Jamie?" Ben gasped, looking at the lad on the floor. "What—?"

"I can explain!" the younger boy cried, fixing his kilt. He got up, brushed off his knees, and glared at the Doctor, who was smiling rather oddly at nothing in particular.

"The wee idiot tried ter fix the TARDIS," Jamie said quickly, "'cause the scanners told him there was something the matter. There was this big explosion, and—"

"So it wasn't hot sex on the console?" Ben asked, feeling slightly put out.

Jamie and the Doctor looked at the two, completely baffled.

Er, yeah. The beginning bit is Polly's fanfic, if you couldn't tell. Or it could be real. Whatever you want.


End file.
